rebuildyourruins | Drift Fleet

[ loki snaps. ]

I expect you to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

[--well, here they go. Whether he was expecting the snap or not, Thor finds himself unsurprised to be in an argument. His own hackles rise and he pushes away from the desk.]

What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm fine, Loki, I know how to handle myself.

[ it certainly has been brewing. ]

Oh, so the brooding, clearing out the office, throwing yourself into any situation to make yourself useful is fine now?!

[The office was not something Thor wanted to discuss, even if Loki's very action in rearranging the place meant they'd been dancing around the subject already. Thor's voice raises as he curls his hands into fists.]

You're one to talk about brooding! Yes, I'm trying to help here. You make it sound like some great crime!

Edited 2019-04-28 08:03 (UTC)

[ his eyes flash as loki hisses out. ]

You don't want to help. You want to ease your conscience because you failed at something for the first time and you don't know what to do about it.

[It's the wrong thing to say.

The sky can't darken on the Iskaulit, but Thor's expression can, his scowl deepening into real anger. Electricity sparks around his fists as his eyes flash too - only it's more literal for Thor, that blinding brightness making the room seem dimmer by comparison.]

Mind your tongue, Loki.

[He grates it out, a warning not to push him any further.]

[ know your place, brother. his tongue turns leaden in his mouth and it's difficult not to step back, to flee. loki's not sure if he recognizes this brother — or he recognizes him all too well.

but it doesn't last. he straightens, chin jutting out. ]

Fixing this place won't fix your mistake.

Yeah, I get it!

[He flings an arm aside as he snaps, a bolt of lightning hitting his desk. All his pointless fury has to go somewhere. A burned mark across a table is the best place for it if he wants to keep a lid on himself. And he does, for Loki's sake as much as his own.

The light in his eyes fades away though sparks still crackles around him fitfully. Thor takes a breath, two, then shakes his head.]

I know it won't. But it's better than nothing. I cannot just accept things as they are.

[ his breath hitches in fear but loki stands his ground. ]

I didn't die so you could fix things or drive yourself into the ground doing so. I died so you could keep living.

[It's a knife to his heart, as it always is. Or maybe the knife is always there and just waiting to be twisted. He'll never get it out, he knows. It's lodged there forever, filling the hole left by Loki and his mother and his father and everyone else.

And Thor's no good at hiding it, the hurt slashing across his face. He clenches his teeth.]

And that means what? What does that mean.

[He asks even though he already knows Loki's answer won't match his own. Let him spell it out, if it means that much to him.]

[ loki doesn't understand why this would be so hard for thor. thor, who has friends everywhere and makes them so easily. thor, who is always welcomed with open arms no matter where he goes.

but then again. loki has always lost. loki is used to losing and picking up his jagged edges, forcing them together. thor has never needed to grapple with such a feeling before. loki breathes out, quiet as frost. ]

You'll have to figure that out.

Edited 2019-04-28 09:33 (UTC)

[A fearful idea. One Thor's already brushed past a few times, and wanted to immediately run from. He knows what he's living for - to kill Thanos. After that it won't much matter.

Thor turns and smacks a fist into the desk, cursing the tears in his eyes.]

[ loki flinches, despite himself. ]

Thor . . .

Yeah. Okay. I'll figure it out.

[He doesn't sound confident. He sounds like he wants to cry but is too stubborn to do so. A spiteful part of him murmurs that it's all fine and good for Loki to tell him to live, when he doesn't have to face the scale of loss Thor does. Loki doesn't have the right to dictate how Thor spends the life he bought.

But maybe he does. Maybe in this twisted place where Thor has the hellish relief of Loki's continued presence, his brother does deserve a stake in what Thor does next. He certainly deserves for Thor to finally bring vengeance to Thanos. If he can.

With his back still turned, Thor straightens up a bit and scrubs at his face.]

[ for a moment, loki reaches out with his hand . . . but he lets it drop uselessly. useless, in life and in death. he's not even sure if he made a dent here, but the strange fear courses through him now. useless. loki presses his back against the wall to help smooth the tremors away.

damn the avengers. damn all of thor's friends. and damn loki for thinking they'll be enough. he hopes they stay dead. ]

You will.

[Is that really what Loki believes? Or just hopes? Silence falls for a moment, dense and suffocating.

Thor stirs himself and turns around at last, seeing Loki against the wall. His heart sinks further, somehow. It's been barely any time since calibrations ended, their fight from that time still echoing through his mind. Thor isn't the only one suffering from the fallout of what's happened to them.]

I just... [He stops, not sure what he was trying to say. Trying again, he says what he should have done from the start.] Thank you, for doing this.

[It's meant to be about the office, but it's more than that. He just can't put it into words.]

[ loki nods, woodenly. ]

Of course, I —

[ just wanted to help, just wanted to make it better but I can't because I've never learned how to. loki isn't holding the anger so closely. better anger than apathy, always. he has to keep trying though. he has to keep going. his time is running out. loki can feel it closing around him. he needed to believe thor will be fine. he needed to believe that there was some good, some use in his death. ]

— thought it would prove a productive start, at least. It's yours now.

[ with that, loki turns to the door, quietly exiting. ]

[He feels stricken, hearing that, but it's too late to say so. Loki's already left. The office was meant to be both of theirs. Thor doesn't want it just for himself. The idea of coming in here alone to work on anything brings no satisfaction to him.

Thor stares at the doorway for a long time before he makes his way around the room, taking note of what Loki has prepared. It's unlikely half of it will stick in his mind, given how distracted he is. But he tries. When that loses its appeal, he leaves himself to return to the Blue Fish.]

[It's well into the night and past time for most people to be asleep when a text lands on Loki's communicator.]

are you awake

[ a moment. ]

I am. Is something wrong?

no

can i come over?

Of course.

[ . . . ]

My room's open.

[Thor doesn't reply, since it's answer enough.

It's a matter of a few minutes before Thor's shuttle docks on the First Breath. He makes his way down the corridor to Loki's room, not bothering to knock before he opens the door.]

[ loki's room isn't what most would consider homey. it's not sparse, though. the bed is plush with cushions and a decent bedspread. there's a desk where a small bowl of gemstones filled with water resides. his room is filled with long shadows and the few beats of incandescent light that is caught by the stones, dancing on the ceiling.

loki is waiting by the door. he reaches for thor's face, checking him over. ]

[Thor's taken his eye out for the night, eyepatch back in place. Otherwise there's nothing new there that's changed in the last few hours.

The touch doesn't surprise him like it had earlier in the day. If Loki's searching for something in Thor's face, he gets the same attention in kind. It hadn't been the best of partings.]

Yes, hello.

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text, much later.

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