rebuildyourruins | Drift Fleet

[ Loki rifles through the papers, scanning them with ease. While it may seem careless, Loki picks things up at an alarming rate. Absently, he answers. ]

Mmm. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably would have done the same.

You mean you did do the same.

[Loki had played the part of Odin for a number of years, after all. The secrets might have differed but the act was the same. Resting his elbows on his knees, Thor makes a pensive sound.]

I wonder how much of it, if any, he had recorded somewhere.

[ Loki huffs. ]

My rule was a little more lenient.

[ At Thor's queries, he shrugs. ]

Possibly. His rooms held many scrolls and books. They might have been his own recollections, dating back from before.

[ Loki hadn't touched them. He had been too afraid of what he might read there. What things Odin might have said about him. Even as he took over as king, Loki never imagined it would last. Surely, soon enough, Odin would remove the spell and come for Loki. And then Loki would escape, but proven his point.

Nothing happened the way he envisioned it. ]

[Blandly:]

I did get that impression.

[From the performance Thor had walked in on, Surtur's comments, the state of the realms. Once he had the pieces it wasn't hard to put them together. His brows draw together briefly, at the idea of Loki living in Odin's rooms. Of course he must have. It's an irritating thought only dulled by time and matters of more importance. Still, Thor knows of at least one record their father hadn't fully destroyed.]

Remember that mural in the throne room? The one on the ceiling.

[ Loki glances at Thor, his nose scrunched up. ]

That overly ostentatious one with all of us living in harmony?

Yeah, that one. [Which Thor had always quite liked, personally.] Hela tore it down. I saw what was underneath it when I went in there for the last time.

There was another mural. [...] Her and father, conquering the Nine Realms.

[ Loki stares at him before breaking into quiet, pained chuckles. ]

He did like to cover things up.

[Thor has to grin in return, a bit crooked. He won't say it's exactly what Hela had said, nor what his own response had been. They both know well enough what had Odin had done.]

He sat under that damned thing every day.

He probably had a good laugh about it.

In his own head, perhaps.

[And many thousands of years ago. Thor breathes in deeply, smile fading away. The mural has hung heavy in his thoughts for months, a stark illustration of all the lies he had been told about Asgard's past. About their own family's.]

Hela was wielding Mjolnir in one part of it.

[ Loki stares at him. ]

That's — That's impossible.

[ And his voice is high and screechy, but Loki can't be bothered to bring it down. ]

[Ow, why. Thor has dark feelings about it too, he just hadn't expected Loki to react quite like that.]

I think we flew well past impossible the day she destroyed it with her bare hands.

Destroying it is one thing but wielding it?

[ His fingers dig into his palms, his body practically vibrating for a fight. The fury rises up in his throat like bile and it's a struggle to force it down. Hela. Hela was worthy. He tosses the papers onto the desk, his eyes stinging. ]

What a joke Mjolnir has become.

[Thor's on his feet at that, reaching out and grabbing Loki by the shoulder. Loki seems liable to explode otherwise, and that's concerning. This could just make it worse yet he'd prefer that to doing nothing.]

Hey.

[It's not said in offense to the slight against the hammer. It's an attempt to get Loki to focus back on him.]

[ For a moment it seems like Loki will lash out, eyes sparking, before he, surprisingly, settles down. There's no point getting angry at Thor, even if it does sting that he doesn't understand this. Suddenly, Loki wants to leave very badly. Or set something on fire. ]

It's fine. I'm fine.

[ Loki presses the heel of his hand to his face before gesturing uselessly at the papers. ]

I should . . . get to work.

No you're not.

[Bluntly. Loki actually dropping the matter just makes it more obvious. He keeps his hand where it is, firm.]

And the papers aren't going anywhere.

[ Loki laughs weakly, shrugging. ]

I said it's fine. I knew that I was never going to lift it. Father knew it, you knew it, everyone on Asgard knew it. It hardly matters anymore.

[ But it feels like the death of a dream. Even though the hammer is long gone, Loki has believed, wanted so badly for the hammer to come alive in his hands. He didn't even want the power of storms or flight. He just wanted, for a second, for the universe to consider him worthy. ]

[It doesn't take much reading between the lines here. Thor's still left looking a bit perplexed.]

You wanted to?

[It had never really occurred to Thor that Loki would have. The hammer had been given to Thor so long ago, and so directly, that it seemed inevitable in its way. He had never thought of it as anything other than his. An illusion chipped at by his banishment and then shattered on the floor of the palace. Yet it's still so much part of the fabric of Thor's reality that it's hard to unravel it from himself.]

[ His shoulders sag as Loki avoids Thor's gaze. He didn't want to admit it. He had never admitted it to anyone. His mother had seen him lift it in illusions and dreams, but she never spread that around. Loki knew that much. ]

Just . . . for a moment. To know.

[As he watches Loki slump, Thor wonders yet again how so many hundreds of years could pass between them and he still didn't notice something like this. Loki had never breathed a word of this desire, not in Thor's hearing. Certainly not in Odin's. He blows out a breath, against the quiet of the room.]

I never knew.

[Obvious, maybe. But worth saying. He lets go of Loki's shoulder finally, only after giving it a squeeze. It's rare for Loki to admit any of his wants so openly.]

But then, it seems I knew little about the hammer itself either.

Perhaps the problem is conflating it in our minds.

In the end . . . is it not just a hammer?

It was. And it wasn't.

["He told you you were worthy ... he said the same thing to me." In that moment Thor had understood his sister, regardless of what needed to come next. Had he not been told the same thing, only to have Odin rip it away? Thor had deserved that punishment, he knows that, but the memory of how it had felt to grab hold of Mjolnir's hammer and have no power to lift it will never leave him. Had Hela felt the same?

He rubs at his chin pensively, eye drifting over to the sword left on his desk.]

I didn't like it. Seeing that.

[There's more bound up in it than simple dislike, but he doesn't have words to explain what it was like seeing lies written into their very household.]

[ Loki cocks his head at him thoughtfully. ]

I suppose you held out for very long. When it came to believing in Odin.

I would not say I no longer do.

[Things have become far more complicated than blind belief. They had been turning that way for a long time, for years. The shine had begun to come off with the invasion of the Dark Elves. Now there's nothing but tarnish across all the memories he has. Thor takes a long breath, looking back to Loki.]

It's just not all that I see anymore.

["You're stronger" lives alongside "My firstborn". They don't fit together. They're both there nonetheless.]

[ He can't help it. Loki laughs softly. It's not mocking and he's not making fun of Thor, but that sure is a revelation Loki had years ago. Seeing it in Thor's face helps. But it also doesn't. It seems like every little victory Loki wanted was never quite what he expected. ]

It is not bad. It is simply a thing that is, in the end. Complexity is good for the soul, Thor.

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